For my return readers, the writing hiatus has been due to a lack of true moments to reflect. I’ve never been able to write just for the sake of writing. It has always had to come from somewhere deeper. It feels good to be here again.
That brings us to now. My life has become increasingly overwrought in the last few weeks, forcing me to reflect or succumb to a nervous breakdown (dramatic). A long-distance marriage, grueling work/clinical weeks, rigorous course work, real estate decisions, anticipated relocation. A lot of internal and external (sorry, Ben) turmoil.
I have spent the last year jumping from one item on the [never ending] list to the next in pursuit of my advancement in the nursing world. However in the past week or so, somewhere in the deep, distracted soul that is my own, I’ve tried to remember to inhale and become increasingly aware of every atom alive in me. What they need, what they yearn for. And now, I am attempting to embrace the last of the quiet nights spent alone in my tiny Tulsa apartment, curled on my side like a comma on the sofa. Reflecting.
To someone who has always felt somewhat defined by my ambition, big steps and change always cause me internal terror. What if this time is different? What if this time I can’t do it? What if this time the dream is too big? The self-doubt creeps its way in, and at times, it consumes me.
Soon, Ben and I will make a giant move across the country. A move that will start a new chapter for us both, professionally and personally. The 1,800 miles is paved with trepidation and risk. Not enough to scare me off, but in fact, to prove to myself how much I want it. To reassure my soul that this next step is part of our life’s journey. My heart is trying, albeit reluctantly, to keep my brain from flirting with the idea of taking the easy route.
Instead of giving in to playing small and living life with a safety net, the only way to get what I want in life is to live like I will. Like the success that all of this change will bring is a factual outcome, despite its certain ambiguities.
This faith chases out the fear.
This faith grows and blooms within our hearts until our minds have forgotten that fear even existed, or what it felt like to be held back by our self-doubt. We simply forget to fear anything, because we have not only made the choice for radical trust in ourselves, but also to fully embrace the unknown.
(That last part, for me, is a continued work in progress)